Discovering Your Core Values
Not what you "should" want. Not what others expect. What actually makes your life feel meaningful — and how to live by it.
What Are Values?
The compass that points toward meaning
Values are directions, not destinations. You can never "arrive" at a value — you live it, moment by moment, choice by choice.
Unlike rules or obligations, values are freely chosen. They're not what your parents wanted for you, or what society says you should care about. They're what you actually care about when you strip away the noise.
Key insight: You can never complete a value. You don't "finish" being loving, creative, or courageous. Each day offers new chances to move toward what matters.
Some common values include:
- Connection — building close, meaningful relationships
- Growth — learning, improving, challenging yourself
- Creativity — expressing yourself, making new things
- Integrity — living honestly, keeping your word
- Adventure — exploring, taking risks, seeking novelty
- Compassion — caring for others, reducing suffering
The goal isn't to pick the "right" values. It's to discover what actually resonates with you.
Values vs. Goals
A crucial distinction most people miss
| Goals | Values |
|---|---|
| Can be completed | Can never be "finished" |
| External achievements | Internal qualities |
| "Get promoted" | "Do meaningful work" |
| "Get married" | "Build deep connection" |
| "Run a marathon" | "Take care of my health" |
Why this matters: You can fail at a goal while still honoring your value. And you can achieve every goal on your list and still feel empty — if your values weren't guiding you.
Goals are useful — they give you something concrete to aim for. But values are what make those goals meaningful. Without values, you're just checking boxes.
When a goal fails or changes, values remain. When life doesn't go as planned, values give you a direction to keep moving.
Finding Your Values
Three questions to uncover what matters
Values aren't usually discovered through logic. They emerge through reflection on your experience. Here are three questions that help:
1. When have you felt most alive and engaged?
Think of moments when you felt fully present, energized, like you were doing exactly what you were meant to be doing. What were you doing? What made it meaningful?
2. What qualities do you admire in others?
The traits you most admire in people often point to values you hold. If you admire someone's courage, integrity, or warmth — those are likely important to you too.
3. If no one would ever know, what would you still do?
This question strips away external validation. What would you pursue even without recognition, praise, or reward? That's pure value.
Some Values to Consider
Look through these domains. Which ones pull at you?
Connection
Love, Belonging, Intimacy, Friendship, Family, Community
Growth
Learning, Curiosity, Challenge, Mastery, Self-improvement
Contribution
Helping, Service, Making a difference, Generosity, Impact
Authenticity
Honesty, Integrity, Self-expression, Openness, Being real
Well-being
Health, Peace, Balance, Joy, Rest, Self-care
Creativity
Expression, Beauty, Innovation, Art, Imagination
Adventure
Freedom, Exploration, Risk, New experiences, Spontaneity
Achievement
Excellence, Success, Competence, Recognition, Ambition
Your task: Pick 3-5 values that resonate most strongly. Don't overthink it — trust your gut. You can always revisit this.
Living by Your Values
From knowing to doing
Knowing your values is only half the equation. The other half is committed action — taking steps in valued directions, even when it's hard.
Daily Application
Values can guide you at any moment:
- Morning: "What value can I honor today?" Even a small action counts.
- Decision points: "Does this align with what matters to me?" Use your values as a filter.
- Evening: "Where did I live my values today?" Notice without judgment.
Small steps matter: Values don't require grand gestures. A 5-minute phone call can honor connection. A short walk can honor health. A moment of honesty can honor integrity. Even tiny steps in a valued direction count.
The gap between your values and your actions isn't a failure — it's information. It shows you where to focus next.
Common Challenges
What to do when values work gets hard
"I don't know what my values are."
That's okay. Values aren't discovered in a flash — they emerge through exploration. Start with what you're curious about. Notice what bothers you when it's missing. Pay attention to what you envy in others. These are all clues.
"My values conflict with each other."
This is normal. Life requires balancing multiple values. Sometimes adventure conflicts with stability. Sometimes honesty conflicts with kindness. The goal isn't perfect consistency — it's conscious choice about which value to honor in this moment.
"I know my values but I'm not living them."
The gap between values and behavior is where growth lives. Noticing the gap is step one — and that's already progress. Start with the smallest possible step toward your values. Don't wait until you can do it perfectly.
"My values have changed."
Values can evolve. What mattered at 20 may not matter at 40. What mattered before a major life event may shift after. That's not failure — it's growth. Revisit your values periodically.
Summary
The essentials to remember
- Values are your compass — directions that give life meaning, not destinations to reach
- Values vs. goals — goals can be completed; values are lived continuously
- Discovery through reflection — look at when you felt most alive, what you admire, what you'd do without recognition
- Living by values is practice — small steps count, the gap is where growth happens
Remember: You don't have to have it all figured out. Just asking "What matters to me?" is itself a step in a valued direction. That question, asked honestly, is already the compass working.
Values clarification isn't a one-time exercise. It's an ongoing conversation with yourself about what kind of life you want to live. Come back to this whenever you feel lost or disconnected from what matters.
💜 Bring this back to therapy
Which values came up for you? Where do you see gaps between your values and your current life? What makes it hard to live by what matters? These are rich conversations to have with your therapist.
Want to revisit this? Print this guide to reference when you need clarity on what matters.
This resource is intended to support—not replace—your work with a licensed therapist. It provides information and exercises based on evidence-informed approaches, but is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're in crisis or need immediate support, please contact your therapist or a crisis helpline.